7 The Birds and the Bees
by E. J. Morgan
Summary: Q-niverse AU - Q is a teenager and very probably in love. So someone has to talk to him about... things.


Moneypenny looked up startled when suddenly all of the Double-Os (save 004 and 008 who were abroad on missions respectively) approached her desk with a determined stride.

"We voted and have reached a decision!" – Declared Fleming as if they had solved the problems of the whole world and now awaited their deserved praise for it. "We need to talk to M."

"Do I even want to—" – Began Moneypenny but was abruptly cut off by the man in question himself walking out of his office obviously having heard the summoning.

"And just what do you all need to talk to me about, gentlemen?"

"Well, ahm…" – Fleming looked like he had lost his bravery and turned to the others for help.

"Sir, it's a matter of great importance. Really, you can't say no to that."

"It is for me to decide what I can or can't do, Johnson. So, someone care to tell me about this very important matter?" – Asked Mallory quite intimidating but secretly curious. It was not every day after all that the Double Os acted unsure of themselves.

"Yes, well, sir, we thought long and hard about it-"

("God, help us all!" – exclaimed Moneypenny.")

"- and we decided it would be best if you talked with Q."

"What's wrong with the kid?" – Everyone adored their 16-year-old resident genius, and the thought of him having any problems sent a shiver down Mallory's spine.

"You know, sir… We meant… The Talk…"

"WHAT!? But… Why me?" – Moneypenny and even two Double-Os (who then quickly covered it up – they were feared assassins not little kittens, thank you very much) jumped at his frightened shout.

"Well" – Alec was trying – and failing – to look confident while he explained the logic behind their idea. "For one, you are the only one who has had any experience with kids."

"I have an eight-year old nephew and a ten-year-old niece, Trevelyan, I honestly don't think I have ever done anything similar to THAT. Besides, he has two older brothers; that much I do know; surely, they can talk to him."

Dawson shook his head at that. "Two children in the family; it's more than any of us have. And we really don't know anything about his brothers. He won't even tell us their names but we suspect he doesn't have a very close relationship with them. And besides, sir: you are the only one of us who outranks him! He could just pull rank on us and tell us to stop."

"Oh, yeah? Since when has it bothered any of you? Tell me, please, because I have been trying to get you to listen to my orders for months without success! Maybe I should ask the kid for advice then."

"You could do it while talking to him…" – suggested Bond unhelpfully.

"And may I ask why YOU won't do it, agent?"

Moneypenny looked absolutely horrified at that and jumped to answer. "Ahm, sir, I really-really don't think that would be a good idea! We want him to be responsible and mature, not teach him how to become a Casanova!"

"Why, Eve, I thought you liked me!" – Teased her Bond with a feigned hurt expression but then quickly sobered. "It's true though, M, I'm afraid I wouldn't be the best man to do it. But I promise to teach him to drive a car instead!"

"Absolutely NOT, 007! I forbid any of you to even sit in the same car as that boy! But you're right, maybe it would be best if I talked to him…" – Mallory squared his shoulders, stood up taller and exited with a determined stride like a solder going to the battle that he had been preparing for for months but is aware that could eventually take his life.

The others looked after him with a feeling akin to sympathy and dread.

Q was working on finding and destroying a nasty virus in the system of the Accounting Department. Some dunderhead had opened a music video sent to her vie e-mail by a friend about "cute doggies playing with adorable babies" on her computer during working hours and it turned out to be an enormous mistake – though, in Q's opinion, it would have been a mistake anytime, anywhere and even without a virus then infecting the whole workstation and spreading over to the other computers because of it. Of course, the IT-Department was baffled by the program and had eventually turned to the Quartermaster for help – as if he didn't have enough to do as it is. He had been working on the problem for over two hours now, finally having just made the breakthrough when Mallory strode into his office. Q wondered about the pained expression on his boss' face.

"Is something wrong, sir? Don't tell me there's another Department affected by the virus! I isolated it completely before it could happen."

"It's not about the virus. We need to talk, Q" – Mallory carefully closed the door behind him so that other Q-Branch members couldn't overhear them and sat on the couch opposite from Q's desk.

"Have I done something wrong?" – Asked Q worriedly.

Mallory was quick to reassure him. "Oh, no, no, no! Nothing like that, don't worry, everything is fine."

"Good. Because I was sure to cover my tracks well after I… ahm… never mind, it doesn't matter." – Q blushed and fidgeted but Mallory just raised an eyebrow amused, being already accustomed to his young charge's antics by now. Unless he got caught (which had never happened of course) he really couldn't care less how many US satellites or NASA programs were hacked on the way to the desired results. But back to the matter at hand…

"I… ahm… wanted to talk to you about… the… ahm…"

"Sir, are you sure you're all right? You seem a little pale. Would you like a cup of water?"

"Yes, that would be marvelous, thank you, my boy."

"No problem." – Q got up and brought a cup with a whole bottle of water from the fridge of Q-Branch. During that time, Mallory tried to compose himself to be able to begin his speech again. He took a big gulp from his water.

"So, Q, I thought maybe it would be time for us to talk like father to son."

"Oh, it's all right, sir, I already know."

"What do you know?" – Mallory frowned. He wasn't expecting Q to instantly know what it was about. He surely wasn't that obvious, was he?

"Well, the speech about how my fear of flying is illogical, and how it would be a problem later if the Quartermaster isn't able to get on a plane and all that. Don't worry, M, I know…"

"It's not that at all! Well, I guess your fear is in fact a bit illogical-"

"M! Please! It's bad enough without you rubbing salt into my wound!"

"I'm sorry. Point is: that is not what I wanted to talk to you about. You know, I'm sure you have started noticing girls…?"

"Well, of course I have! You can't ignore women, it is just plain impossible. Trust me; I tried it once with R. It ended with a near-catastrophe…"

"I don't think I want to hear about that story… Actually, I thought we could have a talk about girls and relationships and responsibility and intimacy…" – ha said all these so quickly that Q had difficulty keeping up with him and deciphering his words.

"You mean you're giving me The Talk!?" – Q even had the audacity to laugh at that as soon as he managed to make sense of Mallory's sentence.

"Well… Yeah, I guess I am…" – M felt absolutely lost. Why was the boy reacting that way? He was expecting timidness, embarrassment, maybe even an attempt at escape… but laughing?

"You're not the first one to do it, you know. One of my brothers tried to talk to me about half a year ago but ended up not being able to even open his mouth. I'm sure that was a first for him, he usually doesn't have a problem with even leading the whole world if it's needed. Then a friend of the family, a Detective Inspector attempted it – he was shaking so hard and looking so sick I was afraid I'd have to call the ambulance to him. He was more than glad to give up his plan even before beginning and fortunately he even stopped stuttering when we changed the topic. And finally… my other brother's best friend, a doctor. I think I managed to clarify a few finer points for him by the end of our conversation."

"Well, so you know the basic theory, that's good… but maybe you still have some questions?" – Mallory didn't really look like he wanted Q to have questions but the teenager appreciated the gesture anyway.

"Oh, don't worry. I'm more for practice when it comes to things like that."

"WHAT!? You mean…? What do you mean?"

"I mean just what I said. It's one thing to learn the theory behind things but practice is the real way to improvement."

"I… don't know what to say… I don't understand… - Mallory was totally mortified. He looked anywhere but at Q and then finally he jumped up from the couch as if it had bit him. "I'm sorry but I have a very important meeting in just five minutes. I have to go… I'm glad we talked and if you have anything you want to discuss… ahm…"

Q took pity on him and helped him out. "I'll know I can come to you anytime. Thank you, sir"

"Yes, right… well… Have a good day!" – And with that he was gone in the blink of an eye, almost fleeing Q-Branch (of course, everyone knew that M didn't flee from anywhere...). Some minions even looked after him confused, wondering what might have happened between their boss and the leader of MI6, others shaking their heads in fond exasperation.

Q took out his phone as soon as M was gone and began to type an SMS.

I don't know how you do it but you were right. They approached me with it. BH

Come on, little brother, it was so obvious they would come to you sooner or later! It's a delicate subject and you have to admit: you had it coming! With you getting interested in girls… SH

How would you know anything about the topic? You're "The Virgin"… BH

Haha, very funny! If I didn't know better, I'd say you have been talking to Mycroft. SH

You know I prefer not to talk to him at all if I can avoid it… BH

I can absolutely understand it… Well, so how did it go? Who did they send? SH

My boss was the unfortunate chosen one. I think I managed to get rid of them, though. I doubt anyone will want to broach the subject ever again. BH

The usual method? SH

Yes. It works every time. BH

I'm glad we were able to at least teach you some cunning, brother dear, if nothing else. SH

I'll take it as a compliment. BH

It wasn't really one. SH

Jerk. BH

Whatever. Just make sure to talk to someone when the time comes… SH

Why do you think it hasn't already? BH

WHAT!? SH

Q laughed out loud and put down his phone, wisely choosing to ignore the constant beeping of arriving messages (presumably from both brothers by now), turning back to his computer instead to continue the fight against the virus in a much better mood than before.


End file.
